Alex opened her phone and couldn’t believe what she was reading, so she read the conversation again.
Jordan: What a disaster it would be if you discovered that I care, a little too much for friends but not enough to share.
Alex: Is that about Hayley or Jack?
Jordan: Actually, it’s about you…
This was Alex’s best friend. It was the girl who had been there for her first heart break, her first real disaster to her soul. She had paid witness to the rejection of not only her ex-girlfriend, but the betrayal of all her friends.
They were part of a group of five best friends. Consisting of Alex, Jordan, Amanda, Grace and Ashley. Alex was the oldest, just barely turned 18, the other four girls were all 16. Alex came out as bisexual just a year before, it was the winter of her junior year and most of the friends she had in her grade completely rejected her coming out. No one really teased her, or gave her a hard time, it just wasn’t the same as it was before with any of them.
Alex was a two-sport athlete, playing hockey and softball. The group of five started because of sports, when Amanda told Alex she didn’t care about her sexuality and they started hanging out regularly. Then, softball season came around and so did Amanda and Grace. That summer, between Alex’s junior and senior year, Jordan came around too. This is how the five became, Alex, Amanda, Grace, Jordan, and Ashley.
Alex spent her junior and senior years in the midst of an on again off again relationship with a girl named Colby, who the girls had only met a few times. But the summer between Alex’s junior and senior year caused the other four girls to officially band together against Alex’s relationship with Colby. Alex listened for a while, but the fall of her senior year, she got back with Colby and wanted everyone to get along. Things had drastically changed in the year that followed.
There was another friend of the group, named Hayley. She was a year older than Alex, and during Alex’s senior year, had grown to be a part of the group of friends. Alex and Hayley had been friends for a while, but it was separate from the group of five until Alex’s senior year.
Now, it was the summer after Alex’s senior year. Alex was getting ready to go to college, her freshman year, and she was getting ready to leave behind the group. Colby had infiltrated the group, the five was no longer completely on Alex’s side, and Alex felt like she had lost everything.
“What is going on, and what am I supposed to say to this?” Alex said out loud to herself. She was late for work, and she needed to get on the road. She was using her mom’s truck, and she had only been working at Jacks Pizza for two months, trying to save up some spending money for when she got to college. Alex read the conversation one more time and shook her head, she still had no idea what to say and grabbed the truck keys.
“Mom, I’m headed to work.” Alex didn’t wait for a response, she just started out the door. Her three-year-old brother T.J. was jumping naked on the couch in front of the open window. Minnesota summers were wonderfully warm and sunny, and he was always smiling and enjoying it one way or another. Alex smiled at him before walking out the front door, “I love you buddy.”
“Drive safe Alex!” D.J. yelled out the window screen, as Alex was getting into the truck. She waved back at him, contemplating what his teenage years would be like, dealing with women (or men) that he would never truly come to understand.
The memories ran through Alex’s head like a time-lapse, she couldn’t control the amount or speed of the memories as she drove to work…
Jordan was standing in basketball shorts and a puffy winter coat as snowflakes fell slowly out Colby’s bedroom window. Alex could see her in the driveway, in front of Hayley’s headlights staring up into Colby’s room, waiting for Alex to come outside. Jordan was not a fan of Colby and knew that she was playing with her heart. Alex could see her and knew that she had to go out there, get in the car, and go home. Colby didn’t want her here anymore, but Alex didn’t know why.
“Tell me what you want me to do Colby, I don’t understand.”
“You called them to come get you, you told them I cut myself, so why don’t you just go?!”
“You told me you didn’t want me here!”
“Alex, if you haven’t figured me out yet, then maybe you should date one of those two down there.”
Another memory flashed into Alex’s mind….
“I don’t understand, do you like Hayley like that Jordan? Because if you’re not gay, don’t play with her head that’s not fair,” Alex was driving fast down a hill with minimal traffic as Jordan sang loudly.
“Come on, come on, come on, cause we are together made for each other, we could stand alone and now no one can touch us!” Jordan smiled and shrugged her shoulders. “You’re my best friend, so I feel like I can tell you that I don’t know what I am. I’m still trying to figure that out. I think that’s why I am messing with them both, because I just don’t know. Jack and Hayley each give me something different, and I don’t want to give that up. That’s all the soft shit you’re going to get out of me best friend.” Jordan elbowed Alex and pointed to the light which had just turned green. I had been staring at her as I stopped at a light at the bottom of the hill. Why had she told me that? I could not figure out if it was okay or not.
Flash forward…
Alex was watching Hayley play softball, she had just found out that Jordan was back with Jack a few weeks ago and was moving on. She was on an all-women’s softball team, slow pitch, lots of beer and weed and cigarettes and Hayley had just turned 19. Amanda, Grace and Alex were watching, joking as they sat on the bleachers, planning the next sleep over for the high school softball team. Alex’s phone vibrated. “Help me,” it was a text from Jordan. Alex panicked, she only could think of one thing that would cause Jordan to ask for help and that was Jack. Jordan had recently told her that Jack was getting violent. Alex told Amanda and Grace she had to go, they were suspicious it was Colby, which made Alex mad, considering they seemed to all be friends at that point. Alex and Grace were getting closer, Grace gave Alex a long, hard stare and half-smile. Her eyes were longing for her to stay, Alex felt conflict but left.
Alex pulled into Jordan’s house and Jack’s truck was in the driveway, she parked quickly, used her ID to break into the side door of Jordan’s house. She could hear loud music in the basement and ran quickly down. Jack came around the corner, pants unbuckled, fists clenched, “Get out of here Alex, now!”
Alex said nothing as Jack kept coming toward her, she reacted on impulse and dropped her leg back like a slingshot. When jack was close enough, she released the tension in her leg and her foot slammed into his groin. He started to drop to his knees while muttering the word “bitch.” Alex was going to walk by him and turn the corner to where she suspected Jordan was, but Jack was getting back up and was winding up to punch Alex, so she kneed him in his face, his head flew back and hit the edge of the dryer. He howled in pain, Alex kicked him one more time in the stomach as he lay on the floor.
“You get out before I call the police,” Alex somehow got out behind her teeth. She was prepared to hurt him more, unsure where this strength came from. Alex was thin, a runner and hockey player. She didn’t have much meat on her bones and had little experience fighting except on the ice. Jack rolled over and slowly pushed himself up. Alex was backing away from him into the room that she knew Jordan was in.
“This isn’t over,” Jack buttoned his pants, grabbed his keys off of the counter and stumbled up the stairs, clutching his crotch uncomfortably. Alex ran over to the couch once she heard the door shut and found Jordan, clutching her knees, sobbing hard. Her pants were torn near her groin and the top button was also undone. Alex gently pulled her up into her lap and held her. This was the first time, and the only time, Jordan had been vulnerable in front of Alex.
Finally, Alex pulled into the parking lot at Jacks. Interestingly, the place she worked was named after Jordan’s ex. That gave her an idea, she pulled out her phone and texted Jordan back.
Alex: I don’t know what to say… but I’m open.
Alex put her phone in her pocket and heads into the busy pizza place on a typical late July Friday evening.
“hello?”
“Heyyyyy, when’s the party?” Jordan was calm, and almost pretending like she didn’t send the text earlier in the day. Alex pursed her lips, questioning how she should talk and act now that she knew. But what did she know?
“Well I’m leaving Jacks now. I suppose I can come by and pick you up on the way home?” Alex was nervous but knew that she had a friend no matter what. That’s how Jordan operated. There were no relationships in her life that began and ended with romance.
“Perf. See you soon.” Jordan spoke and then hung up. Alex was more confused than ever, but reminded herself what happens when you fall in love with your friends…
“Grace, I know I shouldn’t be jealous, because Colby and I broke up. We are done, but you’re my best friend. You and Amanda have been there since the beginning; you both tried to keep me out of this relationship and now you of all people are close friends with her.” Alex was holding back tears, trying not to show her pain.
“You wanted us to be friends, Alex.”
“That’s when we were dating. You guys are supposed to be my friends. You are supposed to take my side when things happen. This isn’t supposed to go like this.”
“I’m sorry, Alex. Maybe you’re right, but you of all people know how much she needs people right now. She is sick and she’s hurting. She doesn’t need people to abandon her.” Grace’s eyes were filled with honesty. She truly believed that she was doing the right thing and making the right choice by still being a part of Colby’s life. She was a good person and didn’t see anything wrong with what she was doing.
“You’re not wrong about Colby needing people. But just remember that I need my friends too.” Alex said, worried she sounded selfish.
“You’ll always be my BFFL” Grace said referencing the acronym for best friend for life. Alex’s insides turned. ‘What was that feeling?’ she thought, ‘why am I getting this feeling right now when I was just sad?’ Alex watched Grace walk back down the hall to her classroom. It was hard being a bisexual girl in high school. Did this mean she had feelings for her friend? The hormones were hard to decipher.
The memory was interrupted as Alex’s phone rang; it was one of her softball friends who were coming over that night. Alex’s parents were out of town and she was having two of her team mates over and two of her straight male friends, and now Jordan as well. She answered as she drove up to Jordan’s house and told them her address. This was the beginning of the smart phone era; GPS was not quite at your fingertips yet; most directions were still given over the phone. She finished talking and honked her horn, so Jordan knew to come outside. Alex hung up the phone as Jordan climbed into the car.
“Hi,” Jordan said as she grabbed to aux cable for the radio in Alex’s car and plugged in her iPod. She picked a song Alex had never heard before, which was a confusing sign. Jordan and Alex’s friendship thrived on their similar taste in music. Jordan was playing the song for one of two reasons, she wanted to share it with Alex, or she wanted to zone out everything and everyone. Alex hoped it didn’t have anything to do with the latter of the two options.
“So, you just PLUG your iPod in and don’t even ask now?!” Alex joked with a smile on her face attempting to feel Jordan’s mood.
“Yep, because I can,” Jordan met eyes with Alex, smile halfcocked. It was a good sign, but it was a way Jordan had never looked at Alex. Alex had never even heard Jordan say out loud that she was gay, let alone look at HER like that. She was unsure, and Alex wasn’t exactly looking for any new relationships, either, she was after all headed to college in less than a month.
The date was August 15th, 2008, a warm day that saw sunshine throughout the duration. It was a beautiful day, and perfect weather for her parents to travel to their cabin. Alex had forgotten until halfway through work that they were heading out that day. It didn’t matter much, Alex’s parents didn’t care if she had a few friends over, if there was no drinking. Which was a rule she was breaking that night, with one of her male friends bringing over a bottle of vodka. Something every teenager had done at least once in their life. As they pulled up to Alex’s alley, that led to the driveway behind the city home, Jordan playfully hit Alex. Which she hadn’t done in such a way before and now Alex was even more confused. They went inside and started making food for the other guests.
Alex finally sat down on the couch as her other friends arrived and watched Jordan’s demeanor change, people were around. She realized then that all of Jordan’s behavior before was her flirting with her. Jordan was serious about being interested; Alex wasn’t sure she was ready for that. Grace flashed back into her mind…
Alex: I have to text this, because I don’t have the balls to say this to you in person. I know why I’m so sad that you are hanging out with Colby…
Grace: Why?
Alex: I’m afraid to say.
Grace: You should know by now that you can be honest with me, Alex. I’m your best friend.
Alex: I have feelings for you. Ones that I cannot control. And I don’t WANT to have these feelings. Because you ARE my best friend. And I SHOULDN’T feel like this. I’m so sorry, but I had to tell you.
Grace: Thank you for being honest with me. This doesn’t change anything. You don’t have to worry about our friendship changing.
Alex: Thank you. I’m glad you feel that way.
Alex raised her hand and asked her teacher if she could go to the bathroom, she was panicking. She got up and ran to the nearest stall and locked herself in. She put her head in her hands and felt her heart pounding. It was true, she didn’t want to feel this way, but feelings don’t work like that. If they did, Alex wouldn’t like girls, she’d pick the easy route and be interested in men. She’d change everything in her life that she didn’t understand. Her phone vibrated again.
Grace: Are we still going to hang out before practice?
Alex: That’s up to you.
Grace: Duh. You’re my BFFL.
Alex cried into her hands. She didn’t know why, because a part of her still loved Colby, who was now on again off again with her friend, this friend, Grace. Who Alex had outed to her friends the month earlier, because she felt she had the right to, with Colby and Grace now dating. She had the right to tell Jordan and Amanda. They took Alex’s side at first, but when Alex decided to stay friends with both Colby and Grace, Amanda and Jordan followed suit. This was after they asked Alex several times to let them both go, but if Alex was unwilling, then they were too. It was only fair, it seemed. Now, a month later, Alex felt trapped, alone and afraid. She had feelings for her friend. The same one that started dating her ex, the same one her other friends were ready to exile from the group just for Alex. Why did this have to be her fate?
“ALEX!” someone at the party was waiving a shot glass in front of her face, bringing her back to reality. Jordan was laughing in the background, she hadn’t said much to Alex throughout the night, and Alex was surprised she was having so much fun. She didn’t know these people well. Alex grabbed the shot glass, let her friend fill it up, took it and then stood up. It was time to start enjoying herself, she used to be the life of every party. But she had been deflated for so long, she didn’t know what that looked like anymore. Besides, no one except Jordan and her sports friends would talk to her anyway. She grabbed a box of playing cards and invited everyone to join in on a game of kings’ cup. Jordan made eyes at her as she walked up to the table but said nothing. Alex made eyes back but wasn’t sure what it all meant. Maybe it was just for fun.
“You guys gonna stay here tonight or get going?” Alex asked the group. She could feel Jordan’s eyes staring into her soul from across the table. Everyone was enjoying themselves and as badly as Alex wanted to be alone with Jordan, she was so numb, she didn’t want to be alone at all if nothing came of that; the more people around the better.
“I’m staying on your couch, I can’t drive anywhere,” One guy said.
“I live across the street and my parent’s aren’t home so I’m going back there,” said the other. The two girls from her softball team were going to stay there together if there was an open space. Alex said the same thing she said every time Jordan, her and several others were sleeping over.
“Yeah you guys can take my room and Jordan and I will just sleep in my parent’s bedroom.” Jordan shifted in her seat; Alex didn’t realize that things were different now that Jordan was interested in something more than friends with her. It didn’t even cross her mind, so she tried to recover, “or you guys can figure it out amongst each other. You all know each other pretty well now, but I’m staying in my parents’ bedroom.”
“I can stay with one of you guys in Alex’s room,” Jordan said quickly. Alex looked confused at Jordan, why was she being weird? Nothing had to happen. Jordan always said that no matter what happened, Alex would always be her friend. That should include feelings, or so Alex thought. Alex took out her phone as the girls and Jordan discussed it. She was starting to feel tired and it was already almost one in the morning.
Alex: It doesn’t have to be anything if you don’t want it to be. You always said we’d be friends first, no matter what. I never knew why you said that, but this morning I thought I understood that to mean feelings or no feelings. We’ve slept in the same bed before with no issues.
Alex tucked her phone back in her pants pocket and one of the girls piped up, “who could you possibly be texting at one in the morning?!” Alex felt uncomfortable; the text had been to Jordan who was sitting in the room.
“You guys, you know I don’t want to talk about it.” Alex lied, playing it off like it was Grace. A speech ensued from the group, but Jordan was silent. She knew who Alex texted, and got up to go to the bathroom once everyone was distracted. Alex felt her phone vibrate while Jordan was away, but she didn’t want to look. Then people would suspect something, or they would continue to give her a speech about her ex and she didn’t need that. She waited until Jordan came back, then announced she was going to brush her teeth and get ready for bed. Once in the bathroom, she checked her phone.
Jordan: You don’t need to worry, nothing has changed. I just really want to kiss you.
Alex was taken aback. This was her best friend, and now she wanted to kiss her. Alex was starting to feel lightheaded and couldn’t tell if it was from the alcohol or how quickly things were changing with her friend. She splashed water on her face, she realized Jordan had never told her how far she’d gone with Hayley, she realized she didn’t know how far she was going to go with Jordan, she realized she was going to cross into yet another friendship with intimacy; that scared her. Then Alex remembered in three weeks, her life was going to start over again. She remembered that almost all her friends hated her right now anyway. There was no point to holding anything back; live life in the moment. She finished brushing her teeth and then made her way back out to the party. She noticed Jordan wasn’t at the table anymore.
“Where did Jordan go?” Alex asked, “Is the party over?” She smiled at the group through her teeth. She couldn’t tell if she was numb or excited.
“She went upstairs, she said she was tired. I guess you both are crapping out on us, which is cool, go talk to your friend about Colby and all your long lost friends. We all want you to get over all that shit with her and Grace so we can do more stuff like this when you come home.” One of the girls gestured to the room and the audience. In that moment, Alex realized she’d neglected a group of people who supported her; her teammates. They didn’t know her darkest secrets, but they knew enough to be supportive. They were good people and they wanted her to be happy. Alex almost decided to stay with them, she almost decided to make the healthier choice, and choose not to get involved with her friend, but she was numb. And when a person has that numb feeling for the first time, they want to do anything possible to make it go away. So, Alex nodded at her teammates, her four friends, and started to go upstairs to her parents’ room. She left the door to the stairs open, so that there were no suspicions, and maybe to convince herself that nothing should happen. But when she got upstairs, things were not the same. Jordan was not ignoring her, like she had been all night. She was taking up the entire bed, unlike how she normally did when they had sleep overs before.
“Do I get any space?” Alex joked in a whisper. Jordan scooted over slightly, but it was dark. Alex could tell that she was looking at her, so Alex met her eyes back. Jordan’s body language told her that Alex was going to be the leader, but Jordan was still in control. Alex realized in that moment, when it came to fooling around with girls, Alex knew what she was doing and Jordan didn’t. Alex’s heart raced, with Colby, she lost her virginity, Colby led the way. Alex had only been with two other girls, and in both instances, Alex was the leader but knew how far both girls had been. She knew the limits, with Jordan, what were the limits? Alex laid down next to Jordan and didn’t let their eyes unlock.
“We’re under the same blanket, is that okay?” Alex asked, hoping to get a verbal response this time from Jordan. Jordan nodded yes, still looking into Alex’s eyes.
“I have your wallet,” Jordan held it up and bit her bottom lip, “Aren’t you going to try and get it back from me?” Jordan rolled over and away from Alex.
“Oh no you don’t!” Alex jumped on top of Jordan, giggling like it actually made her happy. Then she grabbed her right wrist where the wallet was and threw it down onto the bed, gravity brought Alex’s body down with the arm. Then she grabbed the wallet and realized her face was inches from Jordan’s. Alex realized it was now or never, she had to make a choice. “Looks like I win,” Alex said in a whisper, trying out her seductive voice.
“I let you win,” Jordan said, biting her bottom lip again. So, Alex leaned in slowly, touching Jordan’s face with her hand. Jordan looked back and forth between Alex’s two eyes; Alex could feel her heart pounding. She kissed her gently at first, and it didn’t feel wrong. It didn’t feel awkward or like kissing your sister, so she kissed her again, this time a little harder. Jordan kissed Alex back, hard. Alex decided to play off of Jordan’s body language, they danced together under the blankets like they were both pro’s at the same game. Nothing came of it, just holding each other and kissing each other. There would be gaps where they would stop and talk about how crazy it was they hadn’t tried it sooner, but then eventually, after a few hours, they fell asleep.
Alex: Are you coming over today? Its my last day of high school ever!
Grace: Of course I’m coming over, I want to spend it with you (:
Alex: I look forward to spending every moment of this day with you before the softball banquet.
Grace: It’s going to be a great day (;
Alex didn’t want to get her hopes up again, Grace had been coming over to Alex’s everyday since Colby broke up with her for being too prude. Alex didn’t think of this as a ‘chance’ to get with her friend, because above all else, she didn’t want to lose Grace again. Even if that meant suppressing her feelings. She was pretty certain that Grace had feelings for her back, but Alex would not do anything. She promised herself. Besides, Alex had only been with Colby and one other girl, and that other girl was just kissing. Alex had no idea to even go about making a move if she wanted to. Why was she thinking like that? This was her friend. The bell rang and Alex grabbed her things, papers flew all over the hallway as she walked out. That was it, high school was over. Seniors like herself were walking the hallway and throwing the last of their things up in the air, four years of emotional turmoil were complete. Alex smiled and saw a few of her teammates who were also graduating. They hugged and Alex started to tear up, caught between two worlds, two communities that hadn’t yet been accepted as one. She had no idea where she fit. There was no way to truly know until she experienced the heartbreak of Colby, then Colby and Grace and now… having feelings for Grace who just was heartbroken by Colby. Man, what a crazy time Alex was having figuring out who she wanted to be in life.
“Do you see this?!” Alex asked as she got to her locker, where her three sophomore friends sat, waiting to congratulate their friend.
“We’re gonna miss you Alex,” Amanda said as she hugged her friend. Ashley, who had come in and out of the group hugged Alex and just smiled. Grace giggled; her tan skinned cheeks slightly blushing.
“I’m coming over, so you can help me with Spanish homework, so I’m not going to hug you just yet.” Grace slammed Alex’s locker shut, and the front was decorated with a bunch of pictures of her playing sports over the last year. Alex covered her mouth and felt her eyes well up with water, “Through all of the things that we’ve been through this year, don’t let any of that ruin today.” Ashley said as the three of them watched Alex take in her locker decorations.
“I love it, and I wish Jordan was here to see this too,” Alex tried to hold back her tears. The five of them were as close as any group of friends could be. Even after some betrayals and broken hearts, they all took care of each other.
“Wake up, I have to get home,” Jordan was standing over Alex. She looked tired, and Alex felt tired, so she turned over to look at the alarm clock by her parents’ bed, it was 830 am.
“I thought your dad wanted you home by noon.” Alex sat up and whipped her eyes, she felt a burning headache coming on.
“Yeah but I have to eat and get ready for my game.” Jordan said without making any eye contact. She was being weird, and Alex was not a fan. In that moment, Alex wished they could go back and never made the decision to kiss each other. Alex rolled out of bed and the numb feeling came rushing back to her. The glimmer of hope that she might feel again was gone, and she remembered how alone in the world she was and would always be. She grabbed her keys and walked down the stairs, passing Jordan who was standing in the bedroom texting someone vigorously. At the bottom of the stairs, Alex found that others had left already too. Alex was ready for college, where no one knew who she was, and she could start over.
The car on the way to Jordan’s house was silent. Music that they would normally sing along to together was playing and neither of them were singing. Alex was filled with regret; the last ally she had that knew everything, her best ally, was now not speaking to her. She regretted everything that had transpired in the last twelve hours. When they pulled up to the house, Jordan got out without a word, then turned around to shut the door and stopped. Alex looked in her direction.
“Are you going to be at my game?” Jordan asked. Talking about her softball game that was later that afternoon. Alex was confused, why the hell was she quiet the whole way there and asking this now?
“I can be there if you want me there.” Alex said, trying not to sound like she was flirting.
“You’re my best friend, duh.” Jordan cocked her head to the side then shut the car door. Alex sat there for a moment, confused. So utterly confused that she couldn’t explain what had happened, so she decided to go with it, then drove away.
Jordan: Can you pick me up and take me to my game?
Alex: Sure. What time?
Jordan: Now.
Alex turned off the vacuum she was using to clean up the house and sighed. She was 24 hours into a friend with benefits relationship she didn’t understand at all. Alex didn’t know how to have a friend with benefits, she also wasn’t sure if that’s what had happened. Yet, she was too scared to ask Jordan herself. Picking Jordan up and driving to the game was the same as it had been all summer, Jordan and Alex sang their lungs out to songs that they always had, then the song came on. The one that had the lyrics that Jordan had texted to Alex that day. It hand to be you, by motion city soundtrack. Alex went to turn it and Jordan stopped her.
“Leave it,” Jordan said with a stern, yet soft tone while grabbing Alex’s wrist. Her heart fluttered.
“Alright.” Alex gulped, what was happening?
Alex sat in the stands of just the third softball game she had been to that summer and noticed another girl around her age sitting in the stands that she recognized from somewhere. At first, Alex thought about asking her if they knew each other, but then she decided not to. She was trying to be transparent from now until she got to college. She didn’t want to be noticed, she wanted to survive.
“Don’t I know you from somewhere?” The girl said anyway, before Alex could find a way to be invisible.
“I was thinking the same thing actually,” Alex said, giving in to the extrovert inside.
“Yeah, you play softball for Cooper right? You’re Alex, one of the captains.”
“I used to be, I graduated this year,” Alex felt regret sink in.
“Wow, yeah, I remember you from the game we played under the lights two seasons ago. You’re a grade ahead of me, I’m going to be a Senior next fall actually.”
“Yeah, what a game that was. You must play for Armstrong then, I remember you.”
“Yes, I do actually, I’m Julie,” The girl reached out her hand for Alex to shake. She didn’t want more friends; she wanted to start over.
“Alex, but I guess you knew that already,” Alex chuckled and shook her hand back. Some habits are hard to break.
“Where are you going to school in the fall? I know you have to be going somewhere for hockey or softball, or both even.” Alex didn’t want to answer that question, because then it meant explaining that she threw away every opportunity to play sports in college so she could be just an hour away from home. Now, Alex had all the regret in the world about that decision. Originally, when she declared the school she was going to, she thought she was going to be dating Colby still. Of course, that part of her life was ending, now that Colby and all of her friends refused to speak to her.
“River Falls, but I am not playing sports. I was offered a try out there for hockey, but I am opting out. I’m going to try and focus on school.”
“I never would have guessed. You’re an athlete, but I totally get it. I have been considering it myself.” Julie was genuine, she wasn’t fake. She had a very down to earth and honest feel about her. There was nothing fake or uncomfortable about the way Julie spoke and Alex could feel that.
“Well, whatever you decide, good luck to you. Who are you here for?” Alex asked, and Julie blushed. Alex instantly felt like she had asked something she shouldn’t have. Alex looked around to see what parents were listening, she was wondering, based on Julie’s body language after the question, if she wasn’t supposed to be there. Alex knew Jordan and four of the other girls on the summer league team she was there watching, the U17 team was home to both Armstrong and Cooper girls who wanted to continue to play softball after the season ended. Alex simply assumed Julie was too old and was just here to support some of her teammates. Jordan was the only one of Alex’s friends who went to Armstrong, the rest of the girls she knew on the team all went to Cooper, which was now her Alma Matter. Alex was still trying to figure out Julie’s uncomfortable posture when she finally responded,
“Well, I played with a lot of these girls and I’m pretty good friends with your old catcher, who catches for this team, Kat.”
“Oh cool, she’s gonna be pretty good. I’m glad she was moved up her 8th grade year, she’s had two great seasons with the Varsity team.” Alex was oblivious to the signs Julie was giving her; she was there FOR Kat. It wasn’t until she looked back up at Julie that she noticed the look in her eyes, “right, well do you want to come get a water with me?” Alex was awkwardly trying to recover.
“Sure,” Julie spoke with an uneasy tone, but complied. Once they were far enough from the bleachers, Alex readdressed her answer.
“I’m sorry, I’m an idiot,” Alex looked down at her feet as they walked in a whisper over to the concession stand.
“For what?” Julie responded, not making eye contact.
“Wait, is it you, or Kat that doesn’t want to be outed? I’m sorry, I’m bad at this. I’ve only been out for about a year and half.”
“How did you know I was gay?” Julie had a surprised look on her face now, which was bright red and beaming. Her eyes were wide, but she wasn’t upset with Alex, not yet.
“Shit, see? I’m no good. Are you gay?” For a social butterfly, Alex seemed to always find her foot all the way inside her mouth at the times that it was least convenient for it to be there. Julie giggled nervously, but almost in relief that Alex was just speaking from her own experience.
“Yes, Alex, I am gay,” Julie seemed to relax a bit when she met Alex’s gaze again. Then, after a few steps in silence, she stopped and looked around to see if there was anyone within ear shot. They were about 50 feet from the concession stand and about 100 feet from the bleachers at the ballfield where Kat and Jordan were playing, “and yes, I am interested in Kat, and I’m pretty certain she is also interested in me as well. But her mom would literally kill her as I’m sure you know.”
“Well, yeah her mom is a little possessive and pushy, but she’s got to come out at some point, right?” Alex said with a shrug, kind of blowing off the idea that not everyone has it as easy as Alex did with her mom. Alex caught herself though, before Julie could respond, realizing that her own numbness doesn’t need to filter into how she treats others, “I mean, when Kat is ready. We all know she’s gay. My whole team pretty much knew even if she didn’t know herself. Those girls will support her no matter what.” Alex’s recovery wasn’t perfect, but she was being honest. And she did truly believe that her teammates would be supportive, as they were as supportive as one could expect of Alex.
“I don’t know. Maybe she’s just not ready. I mean, she did kiss me, twice.” Julie was almost whispering, looking down at the half grass, half ball dirt at their feet. Alex was looking right at Julie, she was built just like Alex, she started to notice she kind of felt like she could find a real friend in Julie and she didn’t know why, but she trusted her the more that she spoke.
“Why am I telling you all this? I guess I really don’t have anyone else to talk to about it.”
“Don’t worry, I don’t either,” Alex smiled. Maybe she did need another friend; someone she could actually trust back home, “but I’m glad I ran into you today. Cause I plan on coming back home next summer and I’ll need someone to watch these games with. Plus, I’m picking up shifts at the pizza place I work at almost every weekend, I need someone to hang out with.” Alex and Julie smiled at each other. Alex was happy for a moment, for a change in the last few months.
Like usual, the ball game went by, Jordan was upset because she didn’t play as well as she hoped. She was a perfectionist, and her dad was the coach, so Jordan did not like to be embarrassed in front of her dad. This, in turn, meant that the ride home with Alex would be Jordan in complete silence. When they pulled up to Jordan’s house, Jordan didn’t get out right away. She stayed in the car and waited for a second, looking down at her folded hands.
“Everything okay?” Alex asked uncomfortably.
“Yep, it’s all good I guess,” Jordan said sarcastically, grabbing her things and opening the door.
“Wait, do you want to talk about it?” Alex asked as Jordan started toward her house.
“Nope,” Jordan slammed the door and began to walk away with dignified steps. When Jordan wanted to be noticed, she swayed her hips; she did this same thing when she was angry. Alex was just now noticing how nice her butt was… Alex shook the thought out of her head. ‘This is your best friend and what happened last night was a mistake’ Alex told herself. So badly she wanted to be in River Falls already.
